All you need is Faith, Trust and a Little Bit of Pixie Dust

Relationships aren't magic. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is: a friendship, kinship, or even a romantic relationship, it doesn't just happen. These take time and effort of all recipients. What kind of effort? The foundation that a relationship should be built upon is Faith and Trust. From that foundation, other building blocks are needed to help form that structure. But I'm just going to talk about the foundation because it seems that many people are lacking this sturdy foundation in their lives no matter if it's a friendship or more.

First of all, as part of a disclosure that no one tells you about life, pain and hurt is inevitable. Experiencing pain and hurt is part of life, it's how we grow and learn. Life is also about making mistakes. No one is perfect and I must say that it would be quite boring around here if everyone was. One of the greatest gifts we've been giving here on earth besides life, is the ability to make choices and make mistakes. We have our free agency which gives us the ability to learn. The beauty of life is that we are made to make mistakes, but we can learn from them and not make that mistake again.

After being aware of this, you have to make the choice to trust others, knowing that you will leave yourself vulnerable to pain and hurt. If you can't trust others, how can anyone trust you? How can you have a real serious relationship without trust? If a relationship doesn't start out with this foundation, it will never be successful. This is true for every relationship, friendship, kinship etc,.

Once a trust is formed, faith can occur. Faith in the person and faith in the relationship. Faith is a hope for things that can become true. If you believe that certain things can develop from the relationship, then they will. It's a confidence in the relationship. Just like a person with confidence in themselves can help them bloom into someone very special, it applies for a relationship. We need to have confidence in the relationship if we want it to grow and bloom into something special and worth having.

After these foundations have been laid, the rest of the bricks will fall into place. It's not necessarily pixie dust or magic, it's something you work at too. But it's a lot easier to lay down those bricks once you have the foundation.

The Snowball of Change

It's so interesting how one change in your life affects many different aspects of your life. Some little tiny change can affect how you perceive yourself or how others see you, this can influence actions and further decisions with interactions. I call this the Snowball of Change Effect. It doesn't matter how small of a change it is, it seems to change almost everything else in your life. These changes can be good or bad depending on how you look at them.

Change is something I've never been very adept at dealing with whether it be a good change or not. It's one of the challenges in my life that I have to work on. And it may be quite strange to not like acceptable and favorable changes, but I don't like change. I suppose you can call me just a follower of the world, because the world doesn't seem to like change sometimes. We like to be comfortable, we like routine.

It's hard to get used to a change, it disrupts our ordinary lives and makes us question. But most of all I think it frightens us that we will perceived differently by others and will be less acceptable to the world of routine and normality. Everyone wants to feel accepted, and if you don't then you are a liar. We were made this way, to want to fit in, to want to belong. We need companions and friends by our sides, we can't make it through this life with out them. We desire them and most of all, we need them.

This is why it is so hard for us to deal with change. It challenges our position in society and our friends. This is what I'm mostly afraid of. I feel that if I make one little change, whether that be in my appearance, a word or an action, I will be perceived differently, and mostly negatively. I'm scared to lose those connections and relationships I have because they do not like what they see anymore. I fear that I won't be loved or cared about anymore. Just one little change makes the difference.

I'm just a girl

There are times when I feel that being a female is a curse. Sometimes I hate being female and would rather be male. Sure us females are able to do a lot of things, and some things that males can't, but I feel that we also get shafted.
Today I was weighing out the pros and cons of being a woman versus being a man. Unfortunately the con side won. The major ones that stood out to me as I was looking over the con side of my list are: 1) As women we have to rely on men to do things we can't physically do ourselves, or that they have more knowledge in. AND 2) It's ok for men to spend a lot of time with a girl that's a "friend" even if he has a girlfriend, but it's not ok for the woman to have a good guy "friend" if she has a boyfriend (this one is just from my observations and experience. Now, there are many other cons I found as well, but these two were ones that really frustrated me.

I'm a very independent person, I feel that I have the ability to do a lot of things on my own if not most things. I don't like having to rely on others for anything whether that be car trouble, helping me hang up shelves because I don't have the tools necessary, or lifting things I don't have the strength for. So I absolutely hate it when I have to ask a man, or anyone for that matter for help with something that I failed to develop skills in. I feel like I have to rely more on men than they have to rely on me. In fact I don't know when they ever have to rely on me.

Now, I'm not trying to sound feminist and sexist here, but I'm just trying to express how I feel sometimes when I am unable to do the things I want, and how unhappy I am when I have to rely on others. Why can't I be able to do everything?
Why can't I walk the streets late at night? Why can't I play pro football or hockey? Why do I have to worry about being abducted and raped? Why do I have to be careful?
In the words of No Doubt: "I'm just a girl in the world...
That's all that you'll let me be!"

An Early Aunt

I'm an Aunt! This is my first time being an Aunt. Now you can call me Aunt Tabi (actually please don't unless you're my nephew). So here he is my first nephew: Kevan Harvey-Lee Wiseman, Born December 3rd 2008, 6 lbs 10 ounces, 20.5 inches long.
Isn't he adorable?
I wasn't sure how I felt about being an aunt. I'm not even 21 yet and my sister is 2 years younger than me. I felt that things were going opposite than they were supposed to. I'm the one that was supposed to have the baby first, I'm the oldest, I'm supposed to be the one ahead. That doesn't mean I want that all right now, that's like 5-10 years down the road. But my sister is only 18. It's was just weird. But now that he's actually born, it might be fun to be an aunt.
My sister is on the track she is on and nothing I can do can change that. So I should just continue on my path and wish her the best of luck.
Besides.....I'm an Aunt!

The Hand-me-down

It's hard to be the hand-me-down. The hand-me-down will always be the one that is convenient or the one that fits at that moment, but it'll never be the one that the person really wants. Sure, the hand-me-down may have a great personality, may look beautiful or handsome and may even be lots of fun to be around, but after all is said and done, the person will always want something new. Whether that something new is an old piece of fabric that was never forgotten and is always missed, or whether there is a new style and the person wants something different.
Soon the hand-me-down will be passed down once again to another person who needs something that will fit for the moment.
The poor hand-me-down never gets any real love. It may be liked and satisfactory, but never loved. The person may say that they love the hand-me-down because it's expected (especially if it was from a relative). But just because it's been said, doesn't mean it's true. The hand-me-down knows the truth, it can feel the truth through the person. Even after years of being loyal piece of clothing to the person, the person only sees the cloth as old and is secretly hoping for some new clothing, or for a new piece of clothing that is more in style or carries more memories for that person.
So this brings me to the question, when will the hand-me-down get it's chance to be loved, really loved and wanted, when will the hand-me-down be in style?



Matchbox Twenty: Hand-Me-Down

Happy Politically Correct Holidays

So Today I was in the office and the music was playing on our little boom box. It was playing waltz and music from Mozart. I sat down at my desk and asked my co-worker when we start playing Christmas music in here. I should have known the answer. She laughed a little bit and told me that we're not allowed to play Christmas music here. "Do we decorate???" I asked. "We do decorate, yes, we put up a Christmas tree and some ornaments and some lights."
I thought that was pretty interesting. So we put up christmas decorations, but we can't play christmas music. To me, that makes no sense what so ever. My co-worker told me "We try to be politically correct, try to make the ground her neutral for everyone". Again I laughed, "There's no such thing as politically correct. It helps no one and does nothing." And it doesn't. How is putting up christmas decorations makeing it neutral? How is not putting on Christmas music making it neutral?
I understand tryig to respect everyone's beliefs but no matter how hard you try, you can't. You can't please everyone. I believe everyone's beliefs are important, but we're in America, we celebrate christmas. Christmas isn't even celebrated the way it was intended for anways. It's not about Christ anymore, it's about Santa Clause, Christmas decorations, gifts and more importantly it's about family anymore these days. If you were to go to any other country, you would see their traditions of this time of year (if they have any) up all over the place without regards to others' religions. So why are we any different? Because we're a "melting pot" or "salad bowl" country. Guess what, we're really not. We have certain traditions in America. People realize that. I don't know of anyone who would be offended if we put on Christmas music and a Christmas tree in our office. They do it at Walmart and other stores? How are we any different?
If you don't celebrate Christmas, that's fine, but everyone else does. It's how our country is, let us celebrate this season how we celebrate it, and if you have an issue with it, let us know.
But this politically correct stuff is junk.

Mawwiage, Mawwiage, My Wealization

It’s interesting how the spirit can give you insights that you had resistance too before and change your heart and mind. That’s what really changes a person, when the spirit gives you a different perspective on things and softens your heart enough for you to look at them and realize you need and want to change. After hearing Elder Bednar, Elder Hafen and Elder Callister speak on Saturday and Sunday, I’ve been lost in thought. My perspectives on certain things have changed and after talking with a few friends, my heart has changed and my eyes have opened a little more.
One of the biggest changes of perspective that I’ve had is on Marriage. I have so many dreams that I want to accomplish. And I’ve always felt that the only way to accomplish them is to not get married until after I accomplish them. The reason why I felt that way is because of my parents. My mom always used to tell me that she wished she could have gone further in life and that she would have if I hadn’t been born when I was. There was truth to it, we struggled financially a lot in our family which made everything else harder and more stressful on my mom. And I could see that in her, her marriage led to having children which postponed her dreams for a VERY long time. I didn’t want that. I have this dream and picture in my head that my family will be financially stable and that we won’t have to struggle a lot to survive. I realize that nothing is perfect and there will be times of struggle financially, but I don’t want my family to have to live the way I did. In order to accomplish this, I need to have a degree, I need to have a jumpstart on my career and save money. Then I can get married to someone who is as far ahead in life as I would be.
I was very stern in this idea until this last weekend when the spirit touched me in a way I cannot describe. I’ve come to the realization that if I were to just wait for marriage and avoid marriage until after I graduate in any degree I had and until after I established my career and until after I established financial stability in my own definition, then I may never be able to get married, or I’d pass up opportunities that the Lord wants me to have. Not only that but I realized that I can accomplish my dreams even with me being married.
I talked to my friend Dane and he helped me realize that with these dreams I have it is ok to get married while I’m in the process of accomplishing them. And that I shouldn’t put off marriage just to wait for someone who can support me. As a wife, I should be able to support my husband first and then once he starts his career, he can support me. This is a 2 way street, and it doesn’t have to be all about the husband supporting the wife all of the time.
So my priorities have changed. I feel ready to get married, I’m not afraid of it anymore, and I look forward to it. I want to find someone that I can help support in many different ways, including financially. I’m only a year and a half of graduating with my bachelor’s degree. Then I can start working, and if my husband wants to go to school then I can support him through school. Once he gets out of school we can support each other. We can be equally yoked.
My mother was wrong, marriage and family doesn’t ruin opportunities or dreams, it creates them.

The World's Developmental Disability

The world's view about many things is distressful and in most cases uncivil. The US has the most issues with uncivility. We talk about equality, freedom and justice, and how important these values are to us; yet, no one is willing to act upon these values. We want equality for men and women, for races, we want freedom of speech, freedom of vote, freedom to choose, we want justice for the weak, for the honest, for the wronged. However, when it all comes down to it, individually we don't give equality to the men and women. Both sexes criticize each other and treat each other with disrespect and inequality. Individually we don't give equality to races or people of ethnic value. There are still groups that fight against the minority ethnic groups, there are still people who think that a black man is not a man, but something else. Individually we ignore those and supress those who speak out on what they believe in. Mostly in the media, talk about God is prohibited, it is shunned or looked down upon. Individually we don't give justice to those who are honest or have been wronged. And what about the weak? Who are considered weak anyway?
We think the weak are the poor or those who don't or can't speak out for themselves. Do we just consider women and children the weak ones based off of statistics? What about the disabled, the lowly of heart, the honest? Are they considered weak? Do they receive justice?
It seems to me that the world disregards those who are disabled. Why? Maybe because they really are weak, maybe because some don't look like everyone else, maybe because they can't do things everyone else can. And for these reasons, the world, the US, society looks down upon them and discriminates against them. The world has a problem with seeing the "different" as apart of the rest of society, as a human being. I put "different" in quotation marks because only the world sees them as different. They are the same as everyone else. They have a brain, a body, a heart, a personality. They have outsides and insides. They are human too.
The only thing that sets them apart is their developmental disability. They aren't able to do everything an average white male can do. And just because of that, society says they aren't human.
I think society needs to take a look at themselves, because they are the one with the developmental disability. The disablity of seeing someone as who they are, not by their differences.

Opressed Women

In my Human Behavior in the Social Environment class (SOWK 233) we are discussing the issues of minorities in the Social Environment; how society views minorities and how minorities deal with society. Yesterday our professor took us outside and had the class stand in a huge circle. We were then told to go in the middle of the circle when he calls out a name of a group that we identify with, such as people of color, GLBT, parents are divorced etc. The very first group he called were Women. I stepped into the middle of the circle along with all the other girls in my class. We faced the outside of the circle as he spoke of the views of society towards women.

He talked about how women are viewed as weak, lowly of heart, succumbed to violence and discrimination. He talked about how the reason women are more likely to be victims of batterers, violence, and discrimination, including discrimination in the work place. Even though the feminist movement gave women more rights, there are still so many things we're deprived of, especially equality and respect. It's amazing how many people, both men and women, believe that it's still ok to treat women with disrespect, to hurt them physically, mentally and emotionally. So many women are ok with this because they think that's how it is, and since they have no power there is nothing they can do about it. Men think that because they are stronger and hold more power in society that they can treat women however they want, that women should have no power. Society still believes that a woman still has a certain "place" in life. I think that even today those who claim that they don't believe women have a certain place in life and are women equality unconsciously, without meaning to address or act upon that belief.

I believe I am a witness to this thought that people unconsciously act upon the inequality view of women even if they believe in the equality and respect of women: Just yesterday my friend came to my house to do his homework with me. Sometimes we like to make fun of each other just for fun, after all we're good friends as. And friends like to joke around with each other. So yesterday we were kind of playing around and making fun of each other, however he started saying some things that caught my attention and made me think for a minute. He had said similar things to me before but I never noticed them like I noticed them now, and what they meant. One particular moment yesterday we were discussing how whenever I make fun of him for hanging out with one of his friends (who is a girl) he gets upset with me. The things I say are things like "How's your girlfriend?" or "are you guys going to make out now?" He gets upset with me when I say those things because he doesn't like the girl romantically. However, the same situation applies to him. Whenever I hang out with my guy friends he says the exact same kinds of things to me, but tells me that I'm not allowed to get mad about it. I asked him why that is. His reply were things like "because I'm stronger than you" or "because I'm smarter than you". Those words made me question why he would say those particular remarks. He doesn't think that girls should be treated with disrespect, he doesn't believe in violence against women either. But still, he alludes to inequality of women when he jokes around.
This made me come to a drafted theory that maybe no matter who you are, woman or man, if you believe in woman equality or you don't, that unconsciously we infer or indirectly indicate that women should be a minority and should not have the same rights and privileges simply because the fact that they are a woman. Oppression of women has always occurred in history, and no matter what we do, it will continue to occur.

The solution

So I think I've found the solution to my problem. All this time I've been blaming Garrett for our relationship problems, but its all really my fault. I shouldn't have opened up my feelings to him in the first place. I should have just stayed emotionally away from him like I had in the beginning. I need to detach myself from him. Then everyone wins. I won't feel like a muck and get my heart hurt again, and he doesn't have to share his feelings for me. It works! Operation: Heart Closure is now in progress. Back to being the old me again. I'm not sure why I let him see right in me and open up to him, but I won't make the mistake again. I need to reverse the damage, it's time to clean up my mess and attempt to go back in time. I'll be happier. I've always been happier keeping my feelings locked away. It was silly of me to even let them out. Goodbye cruel feelings! I'm locking you up and throwing away the key!

I've got this feeling

The feeling that Garrett wants to break up with me, or at least doesn't want to be with ME anymore keeps getting stronger and stronger. I know this sounds bad but I logged on to his facebook and he had been writing a message to this girl "Ashley" a girl he had a huge crush on but broke his heart. This isn't irrelevant to it, but it was on my birthday, dumb I know. But anyways, he's been planning on hanging out with her and has been constantly checking up on her. I'm concerned. should I be? Am I just being a stupid jealous girlfriend when there is no need to be?
I don't know what to do anymore, I just want him to tell me what he wants, and if he doesn't want me anymore he needs to get it over with. I can't stand here and wait for him the whole time while he drags me along!

Just Tired of the Same Old Thing

I've been with Garrett for over a year now. I know things will never be easy for us, but two people make up a relationship. This is not a one way street here. I can't be making all the effort, I can't be the one who feels more in this relationship. It isn't fair. And over this past year I've had to learn how to take care of myself and to think about my feelings for a change, and its been hard. And what I've learned about myself is that I'm tired of being stomped on and left in the dark. I'm tired of making all the effort to make people happy. When is it my turn to be happy?

I want to be with Garrett, I love him, but I don't get that from him. He's said he's loved me at one point, but it was more indirectly and I had to drag it out of him. That's not how it should be. Saying something and meaning it, are completely different things. If you can't show that you mean what you say then you are a liar.
I'm tired of being put off for his friends. I don't mind him hanging out with his friends cause I have my own friends to hang out with. But it seems like he never makes plans with me anymore, always with his friends. I know he has school and it's hard, believe me I know. I'm taking more credits than he is AND I am maintaining a job of almost 20 hours a week. But I make time for him when he lets me. He's taking less credits than I am, he needs to put more effort into this relationship, if that's what you can call it anymore. I don't want to be hanging by a thread here, only seeing him and being with him when it's convenient for him. That's not fair, what about me? I need love and affection. I need someone to worry about me and call me everyday and tell me how much they care about me and SHOW me!
I just don't get it. We've gotten into fights about this before and again we're back in the same position as we always are. I'm sick of it. All I'm asking is for one night or day a week he spends time with me, he worries about me, he WANTS to be with me and is not thinking about being with or hanging out with his friends or anyone else. Is that really too much to ask for?

The Beginning

So today is the day I start writing in my blog. I'll probably update my blog every week, I'm shooting for Sundays as the days for new updates. However, life doesn't always work out the way you expect.
So school started this past week. It's going to be a tough semester. My classes won't be easy....neither will my relationship this semester. I guess that's life though, at least in the real world. I've already been getting a strong wind of stress heading my way. The stress has slowly been bumping me both from school and with my relationship with Garrett. He's really driving me insane. I can't figure him out.
At least this weekend was fun and helped remove some of the stressors. I went to many fun parties this weekend and had a blast. I love hanging out with friends and playing games. I just love being around people in general. And from it all I'm so exhausted. So I'm going to bed. Until next week.....